'Twas the night before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glassala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oh vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.


The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'
And Bubba was serving a schtikala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.


To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenahora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."


With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
Avada, mien numen is Schloimay Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickala fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gagessen.
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.


He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tish,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Sedar."


More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight:
"Gut Yomtov to all, and to all a good night.


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Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"
Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".
No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl".
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.


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Hanukkah Eve

'Twas Chanukayh Eve and throughout the Mishpocha (family)

Not a word was there said, not even a B'rucha (prayer)
The children were sleeping, dreaming not of the Torah

But rather the gifts that surround the Menorah.
The Mommas were busy and you could sense in the air,

The odor of latkes, that soon would be there.
And though no one observed the clouds in the sky,

There was G-d smiling, as He fondly stood by."


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Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah


10. No roof damage from reindeer

9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones

8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it

7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races

6. You can use your fireplace

5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games

4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth

2. Cheer optional

1. No Irving Berlin songs

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