Irish Jokes

Letter to her son in New York
'Dear Paddy,

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery. Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in. I was going to send you a turkey but it got better. I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.

We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.
I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell from your loving mother, Nancy.'


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.


Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"


An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"


Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."